SOME ENGLISH FUNNY STORIES

* I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn\'t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn\'t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn\'t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, \"How in the world do you know I am a blonde?\"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,\"That\'s not a TV -- it\'s a microwave!\"

* Making an effort to help a "lonely" child
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, \"Would you like me to be your friend?\"

The girl hesitated, then said, \"Okay,\" looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, \"Why are you standing here all alone?\"

\"Because,\" the little girl said with great exasperation, \"I\'m the goalie!\"


* Like a gentleman?
Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt’s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.
The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him,
“ Now here’s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman,”
“Like a gentleman?” Dick asked. “How do gentleman do it?”
“They always give the bigger piece to the other person,” answered his aunt at once.
“Oh,” said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he tool the cake to his sister and said to her,
“Cut this cake in half. Catherine.”

* He drew it all himself
Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack?
Jack: Nobody, sir.
Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you?
Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himseil.

* Grandma wouldn’t lie
Little Johnny was at his first day of shool. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, “I pledge allegiance to the flag…”
When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
“Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart.”
Little Johnny replied, “It is over my heart.”
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked,
“Why do you think that is your heart?”
“Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, ‘ Bless your little heart,’ and my Grandma wouldn’t lie.”
(*Bà sẽ không nói dối
Ngày đầu tiên bé Johnny đến trường. Giáo viên khuyên cả lớp hãy bắt đầu ngày trọng đại này với lời thề trung thành, và hướng dẫn các em đặt tay phải lên tim mình và nhắc lại lời thầy.
Ông nhìn quanh khắp phòng khi bắt đầu đọc lời tuyên thệ:
“Tôi xin thề trung thành dưới cờ tổ quốc…”
Khi mắt ông dừng lại ở chỗ bé Johnny, ông nhận thấy tay cậu bé đặt vào mông bên phải của em.
“Johnny, thầy sẽ không tiếp tục chừng nào con chưa đặt tay mình lên tim.”
“Đó là nơi tim con.” Johnny đặt tay lên tim, thầy giáo hỏi:
“Sao con lại nghĩ đó là nơi tim mình?”
“Bởi vì, mỗi lần bà con đến chơi, bà thường bế con lên, vỗ vào đó và nói ‘ Cầu chúa ban phúc cho trái tim bé nhỏ của cháu,’ và bà con sẽ không nói dối.”
* Most wanted
Little Johnny’s kindergarden class was on a field trip to their locl police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men. One of the kids poined to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”
So, Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

* Bị truy nã
Lớp mẫu giáo của bé Johnny có một chuyến thăm quan thực tế tới đồn cảnh sát địa phương, nơi lũ trẻ nhìn thấy những bức ảnh của mười gã đàn ông bị truy nã gắn trên bảng tin. Một trong số những đứa trẻ chỉ vào một bức ảnh và hỏi liệu đó có phải là ảnh của một kẻ bị truy nã không?
-“Ừ, phải rồi,” viên cảnh sát trả lời, “Các thám tử rất muốn bắt hắn.”
- “Sao chú không bắt khi chú chụp ảnh hắn?”, bé Johnny hỏi)


* A HALF OF TICKET
A man went to the theatre for the concert. At the ticket office, he said to the ticket seller:
- Please sell me a half of ticket!
-I don\'t understand what you said. Why is a half of ticket? - asked the ticket seller.
- Because my left ear has been deaf from last year. I can hear with only one ear.